The Best Relationship Advice no One Ever Told You
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| Relationship Advice |
Relationship advice:
you can use these to improve your current relationship make your next one better or even prevent losing the love of your life.
Here we go so I had this ex-girlfriend which is a great thing to talk about on youtube fortunately it was a mature split and everything's fine reflecting on it and thinking back we were having problems and I wanted to like read a book together solve it there was one time. I'll never forget that we were fighting and I'm like well I want to work on this and she said this clark relationships shouldn't be work. It's was a little more dramatic and there's more tears than that but that was the gist of it that common thread is woven into I think a lot of different areas and kind of the root of a lot of relationship problems. It shouldn't take work the scary thing is that falling in love doesn't take work that's why they call it falling in love you fall that doesn't take much work does it just happens to you get taken away and your heart gets ripped out like it's tied on a string and a jet ski's pulling you behind it.
Falling loves one of the easiest things in the world staying in love staying in a relationship making that work that's not that takes work it takes effort. Now it's true you shouldn't have to force things. You shouldn't have to force a relationship but what in life that's worth having doesn't actually take any work you got fitness takes a lot of physical work you got a business or making money it takes a lot of strategic or logical work to make that happen. You got creating the 2.0 version of you doing this inner work raising yourself up that takes a lot of emotional work doesn't it one step further that which doesn't take any work isn't worth having I said this was the best relationship advice no one told you.
So let's give you another best piece of advice love the saying easy choices hard life hard choices easy life sounds like something you'd hear on a fishing boat late at night smoking cigars he's a man of few words but he told me this do you want the easy body that doesn't take work easy money habits just spend it all. What do you mean you have to pay back credit. No one told me my point is don't be afraid of the work anything worth having in life takes work growth is a slow proces sometimes that can be messy if something's wrong in the relationship sometimes it doesn't mean you're in the wrong relationship. Problems in the relationship can be valid they can be warning signs.
I'm not saying if they got a binge drinking problem they're verbally abusive you should just stay with the dude I'm not saying if she's cheating on you going out having girls night every single weekend you gotta simp and cry in the corner and just get over it. Welcome to relationships dude what matters more than the problems is how you're doing overall I have no clue how to measure this but john gottman does. I think he's actually from my hometown in seattle anyway he works with couples seen thousands of them and he found with 90 accuracy he could predict if a couple would stay together or divorce. The secret what he used to measure was their ratio of positive to negative interactions watch the tape back for 10 minutes and he'd count (positive negative positive positive negative negative negative positive negative) and if that ratio wasn't five to one meaning for every positive interaction that were they needed five of those for every one negative interaction comment bicker nag whatever the money line was leaning towards this than this so five to one is the magic formula meaning if you had a camera on you and your relationship for 24 hours a day and it wasn't five to one it wouldn't look too good. Now here's the good news you can change this which brings us to our best piece of advice
Number two in college one of my professors told me this clark if you're unhappy being single chances are that you're going to remain unhappy even after entering a relationship people go into relationships looking for qualities that they lack within themselves. So you hear terms like they complete me and that can be good if you're talking about a partnership they do the dishes you don't they drive you don't personally or I think that quote goes a little too far is when you're talking two halves make a hole they take that logic of completion meaning that I am uncomplete without this person they need to complete my values,my beliefs,my self-worth, my selflove, my validation and if you don't have this when you're single just like my professor said you're not gonna have it when you're in a relationship to go even further people will sense that you lack that and be repelled by you and if you do get a relationship it can be a recipe for disaster you ever heard of someone breaking up because they needed to find themselves.
My favorite truth on relationships is that we need to stop trying to look for the right person we need to start trying to become the right person here's the truth tens attract tense and I'll just mean looks wise I mean sure to an extent but I mean emotionally mentally self-worth spiritually conspiratorially you're into aliens they are too instead of trying to like go for this ten when let's just say arbitrarily you're out of five even if you get that person you date them you'll win you're struck out what are you gonna say they're out of my league. I don't feel worthy of this person. Are you following this wrong way right way work on yourself become the 10 raise yourself up and when you start raising yourself up because you're not looking you're just becoming the people the opportunities the things in your life naturally raise up and behold you're on the same level especially if
you do.
Our third best point I had this client who comes to mind and she couldn't get over an ex. She's in her 40s someone she dated back in her 20s she had all these memories with him she still had the photos it was really painful for her now she tried dating it wasn't that because when she dated. She swore she was just having the same dude over and over and over again dates fizzles out keeps thinking of her ex they break up and the cycle repeats she's like I don't do one night stands but apparently I'll do a two-year waste my time. I'll do that back to back for 10 years joined our coaching program we were working with her things. She needed to do wasn't more techniques to like attract a guy into her life that was gonna solve and complete her like, we talked about what she needed to do is release and let go of the stories about her ex put her through our nlp techniques. She had an amazing experience but what was interesting with her particularly when I was talking to her is we discovered that she didn't need to let go of that person because that can be kind of scary like I love them I care about them I don't want to let go of that when she distilled it down deeper and deeper she realized that that person didn't actually exist it was a story she kept telling herself and had been telling herself for 10 15 plus years and reality is that person could have been a total treated her like and they broke up for a reason that was actually pretty good and valid.
But the fantasy in her head that she kept replaying and got deeper ingrained year two year three year four year five years six seven eight nine and ten was much different why does our brain do that why does it hold on to seemingly like negative experiences and flip them into positive ones that we just can't let go of and that actually end up creeping into future relationships talk to a lot of people who can't get over an x and it's literally robbing them from committing from dating from going all in with other people because of this fantasy that this ex is gonna come in and tell you I was wrong and swoop you up and it's gonna be the happily ever after now consciously we might not say that but maybe subconsciously there's some pleasure in the back of our head around that fantasy.
Let's keep going two explanations the first in order to fully let go some things someone some past some desire you have to drop two sides of the coin the pain and the pleasure. The pain is obvious oh my ex they broke my heart I feel like crap over them like I want to let go of that but the pleasure is that fantasy that we're talking about that person that story that doesn't even exist because objectively they don't you have to be willing to drop that any possibility of you and them getting back together you gotta let go any possibility of them saying they were wrong and apologizing and ever whatever you have in your head you gotta let that go too.
The second explanation to this is actually how your mind works rooted in neuroscience I was reading in a book I believe it was thinking fast and slow daniel kahneman talks about logical fallacies that your brain isn't rational even though we think it's got a host of bugs and biases that that hold us back in our decision making it's pretty amazing one of them is called the peak end fallacy for your brain. It's impossible to remember every conversation of every person you've ever met and every experience in your whole life a lot of data at a store. So what does it do like a cache file on your computer that's a summary so it can recall things really quick you cache emotional experiences and categories or even years of your life into a couple compartments it remembers the peak the peak emotional state of that experience for that person how it ended the very end of it which is obvious.
In this case the breakup sometimes the beginning other details everything in between and I think this is infinitely fascinating if you apply that fallacy to relationships why is it so hard for people to get over x because they got the peak that's what they recall in their mind everything was so great and it was amazing and we had this awesome relationship even if it was or wasn't objectively that's what you remember and you remember the breakup which really sucked and so your mind's going back it's going that was awesome that sucked that was amazing I want them back it's getting really sad and people do this to themselves over and over and over again that's why they can't move on and get over.
So the solution to number three which is to heal and to let go is the trap is that most people get in relationships to feel less lonely thinking that going to solve this but it's not you need to overcome it by fully letting go reprogramming your subconscious mind this can be done through journal maybe it's talking to someone therapist cbt therapy maybe it's working with an nlp coach and getting to the.roots of the positive intent behind any negative act.
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